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October6th

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Cultural lessons from an evil ajumma

Posted in: Seoul, children, self-esteem

A friend posted this on Facebook earlier today and I simply had to post it, terrible though it is.

In many ways, it exemplifies the things I dislike about Korea. But more importantly, it is a concise, revealing look at the cruel and damaging effects wreaked by uncompromising allegiance to “culture.”

The video shows an altercation on the subway between a young woman and an ajumma (a middle-aged or older Korean woman who has mythic status in this country). I can’t read Hangul or understand what they’re saying but my guess would be that the ajumma demanded that the younger passenger give up her seat and that the younger woman refused, or something similar to that.

The clip is brief (just under two minutes long) but I still found it difficult to watch. It’s not gruesome or anything, but it is sad and infuriating.

For anyone reading this who doesn’t want to see the action, it starts with the two women yelling at each other but quickly becomes violent as the ajumma physically attacks the girl and throws her around the metro car. For those who do want to watch it, here it is.

Allow me to unpack the multiple facets of corruption layered into this brief video.

First, the obvious: the physical violence. I don’t care what kind of respect people think should be given to these old, bitter pillars of Korean society. Under no circumstances is it ever OK to scream in someone’s face and physically attack them simply because you’re angry. You don’t get a free pass to abuse people because you had a few kids, a bad perm and have passed middle age. Being old does not equal being allowed to be violent.

Then we have the respect issue. This is huge in Korea. And I’m not talking about the, “This is a wonderful person who did great things and has earned people’s admiration” kind of respect. I’m talking about the, “I’m older than you so what I say goes”/”I’m bigger than you so you have to do what I say” kind of respect that, from what I’ve observed, is emotionally crippling this society.

Korean culture accords automatic virtue and respect to anyone who is older than you, particular grandparents and the elderly. It’s common knowledge that when an ajumma tells you to move, you move. If she pushes you off a bus, jabs you with her walking stick, shoves you out of the way on an elevator or barks an order at you, you are supposed to obey. She’s old and deserves respect, after all.

So the young girl on the subway didn’t even really stand a chance. In as traditional and rigid a culture as this is, it goes without saying that she should bow to whatever the older woman wanted her to do or shut her mouth even if she didn’t like what the ajumma had to say. Judging from the clip, however, that girl had a mind of her own, and paid for it.

Notice how no one stepped in to help this girl while this lunatic old bat was dragging her around by her hair. You hear someone yelling, perhaps at the ajumma, but no one steps in. Not one person. The best anyone could seem to do was to hand the girl back her phone after she dropped it while being flung about like a rag doll. Everyone either stared or looked away. How utterly pathetic and tragic. It can be terrifying to step in the middle of a fight but come on here. The girl wasn’t even fighting back. She just screamed and screamed while the woman hurt her.

I do wonder why she didn’t fight back or at least try to pull herself out of the woman’s grip. Was that also because to pull away would have been considered disrespectful? Obviously I’m not advocating hitting an old woman but it strikes me as odd that she wouldn’t have tried harder to break away. Maybe she was afraid of hurting the old lady. I don’t know. But that’s not really the point anyway.

I could be wrong but my guess is that at least part of the reason no one intervened is because ajummas seem to be granted exemption from behaving like reasonable, compassionate members of society. I’m not saying this applies to all of them and yes, I’m aware that most of them were probably traumatized as children and that makes them the way they are today. But those are not excuses for attacking other people. However, age is everything in Korea. Respect is demanded, not earned. Simply by having been born in a particular decade, people can manipulate, guilt and control those around them all under the guise of respect.

I also don’t think it’s insignificant that this happened between two women. I don’t know all the details of the situation, but I find it difficult to imagine that this sort of exchange would ever happen between an ajumma and a man. Men are given a good deal more respect than women here and I’m sure that the woman was a much easier target for the old bitch. For one thing, she is less physically intimidating. For another, it’s more acceptable and effective to bully a woman in this way than it is to do it to a man.

This ajuma knew all of that. Whatever the cause of the argument, she had to have known that she was dealing with one of the most vulnerable passengers on that train, a girl who would get no support whatsoever from anyone watching their argument. She knew that Korean culture grants her a nearly unquestioning respect and authority that allow her to bully and manipulate people as she sees fit (and nevermind what she did to that poor girl. Imagine how she is in her relationship with her husband, and, even more tragically, her children.). I’m not saying that she ran those calculations through her head while she was standing on the train. She didn’t have to. By now, she instinctively knows what she can get away with. And that makes the whole scene even worse.

That’s what really angers me about this whole scene, I think. But it’s not just about this particular incident. It’s infuriating because the tactics that this old woman used to bully and humiliate this young girl are the same ones employed against people, especially children, every day. People are given a free pass to intimidate, shame and physically harm others into doing what they want, simply because they’re older and “what they say goes,” or “you have to have respect for your elders’ wishes.”

There’s no such thing as earning respect – there are only irrational rules and demands that are used to break people down, make them feel small, ashamed, crazy and alone. Maybe it seems like a stretch to go from the ajumma on the subway to universal ways people have of dealing with each other, but the connection seems clear to me. It’s just one small example of a problem that plays out again and again every day, based on warped traditions and twisted culture.

Update: Here’s an explanation of what happened from Andrew, who blogs at http://trekkerdrew.blogspot.com/

“From my understanding of the translations on the Youtube page, the girl had accidentally smudged the ajumma’s leg with her muddy shoe. The girl is 2nd or 3rd generation and speaks poor Korean (she’s likely a native English speaker) and tried to apologize and bow to the ajumma. However, she did not use the correct honorific in addressing the ajumma, and the ajumma went nuts on the girl, calling her obscenities and such.

This is equally as bad as “deserving respect” for one’s age, and is in fact part of that same hierarchical system that runs so deep here in Korea.”
October5th

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Seven months in Korea

Posted in: personal growth, self-esteem

It’s been about half an eternity since my last post (OK, really more like a month and a half but it feels like it’s been much longer than that) and there’s quite a bit I want to write about. But before I launch into a bunch of updates on my travels, teaching and everyday life in Korea, I thought I would mark my return to blogging by talking about a recently-celebrated milestone: As of last week, I have been living in Seoul for exactly seven months.

Six months probably would have been a more appropriate time to do a reflective blog post since that is the halfway mark for my teaching contract. But I completely blew past that one so I decided to go with the seven month milestone instead.

I’m sure everyone says this about their first year in a new place but I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. Summer absolutely flew by and now we’re into October. I have probably eight or nine weeks left before I need to have at least a semi-solid idea about what I’m going to do when my contract ends. Right now, I couldn’t even begin to say. (I have some ideas but I haven’t entirely sorted through them yet. That will be a post for another day.)

It’s been so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine of going to school, teaching, coming home and trying to be productive and/or working on self-therapy that sometimes I forget to stop and think about what I’ve done since coming to Korea, how I’ve changed and what I’ve learned.

During my first few months in Seoul, I was pretty much in love with this city. I was having a great time, seeing new things, sometimes freaking out with excitement when I stopped to remind myself, “Oh my god, I’m really living in another country. I am actually living out a lifelong dream.” There were occasional things I had complaints about but overall, I really loved living in Korea.

It’s not that I don’t still love it here. I do. Seoul is a fun city and there are a lot of things I’d still like to see and do here. However. I went through a rough period toward the end of the summer that made me question my desire to live here longer than a year and that really dragged me down for a few weeks (and those weeks turned into a month and a half, which is why I was posting even less than usual).

A lot of that had to do with things going on at school (which I will detail in a later post). Several showdowns with a new supervisor brought everything I don’t like about Korea into focus – the indirectness in the workplace, the inefficiency that seemed to plague everything we were asked to do at school, and more than anything, the irrationalities and abusiveness that are unfortunately very much a part of the culture here.

I went from being 99.9 percent certain I would stay another year to feeling completely at a loss in so many areas – all in about a week’s time. I was upset because I didn’t want what was happening at school to completely cloud out all of the things I like about this country. But in many ways, it’s impossible to separate the two.

Things are better now, which is why I’m still very much undecided about what I want to do come February.

Confused as I am on that subject, however, there are some developments I am proud of.

I’m different than I was the day I left for Seoul. I always thought living abroad would be a life-changing experience and it has been in many deep and meaningful ways. I’ve learned that I’m more self-sufficient and capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve had to be. Sometimes I think back on the night I arrived in Seoul: got to my apartment at 1 in the morning, had no idea where anything was or what awaited me the next day but I felt happy and calm. I trusted myself. And that trust has only deepened since I arrived.

I stand up for myself. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time and through hours and hours of journaling and introspection during the past few months, I understand myself better and feel more confident about being assertive and standing up for my own feelings and needs.

I stand up for other people. The other day, I had my first experience of confronting a woman who was physically hurting her grandson. Abusing children is the most vile, evil act imaginable and so I’ve always hoped (particularly within the past year or so) that if I saw someone harming a child, I would do something to stop it. There is a blog post coming about this particular incident as well, but when it happened, I didn’t even really think, I simply acted. And I know the clarity and instinct I had in that moment also comes from the self-work and growth I’ve experienced since arriving in Korea.

I have greater empathy for other people. OK, not always. There are times when I lose my patience with people here or become irritated by things a complete stranger might do. But now that I’ve lived in a place where I don’t speak the language and am often the only Caucasian on the subway or the bus, I’ll remember what that feels like whenever I’m back in the States and see someone struggling to communicate or find their way.

I’m OK with the fact that I’m still learning. When I think back to my first weeks teaching, I’m torn between whether to laugh or cry. I was completely clueless about teaching children. Of course I had standards for how to treat them – but getting up in front of a bunch of kids who barely speak English and have no idea who you are is quite an experience in itself. There are still days when my lesson plans flop or I feel like I’m at a total loss but I’m OK with that. The kids and I have been developing good relationships and even when I completely miss the mark, they’re willing to tell me that and tell me how to be better.

Of course there are still areas I struggle with when it comes to teaching and there are many aspects of my character that I am still working on. I know that in many ways, I have a long way to go and will be working on these things for some time to come. But it’s also nice (and reassuring) to pause in the midst of that and say, yeah, I think I’m doing OK. There might be setbacks and bad days but generally speaking, I’m doing good things and learning every day. And however frustrated or homesick or confused I might feel sometimes, I do not for one moment (and don’t think I ever will) regret my decision to move to Korea.
August18th

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The China Chronicles: Part II – Nonsensical Mysticism

Posted in: China, religion, travel

If you’ve read my first post about my trip to China, you’ve probably gotten the impression that my experience was overwhelmingly positive. I had a great time, was fascinated by the country, all of that good stuff. All of that is true, but there was something that really bothered me.

It isn’t exclusive to China by any means but it was still disturbing. That thing was mysticism.

It first came up when we went to the Jade Buddha Temple in Shanghai.

I’m not religious by any means (as I discussed in a post a few months ago). Even still, the temple was a bit of a disappointment, from a purely tourist-y perspective. You walk into this “sacred” compound where a few people are bowing with smoking incense sticks and everyone else is hawking some cheap-o image of the Buddha to sappy, naive tourists.

The vendors and their ruthless pimping of religious relics didn’t bother me. In fact, I actually respected that part of it. Yeah, it was nonsense to make the temple out to be some holy place and yeah, they were scamming people, but I appreciated the shamelessness, the entrepreneurial aggression. Selling goods is a productive and worthwhile use of a human being’s time, unlike everything else going on in the temple.

The rest of the place was just absurd.

First you walk through the temple where I presume services are performed. But there were no services going on, just people milling about in the heat, some praying, some leaving perfectly good fruit to rot in front of a gold statue.

We had to fork over an extra 10 kuai to see the actual Jade Buddha because it turned out that the 10 we paid at the entrance got us into the gift shop and not much else.

We climbed a set of musty stairs and walked into an even mustier room that was actually less gaudy than I was expecting, but still displayed a tremendous waste of wealth.

The four of us stood silently in front of the Buddha. Almost immediately, I had two thoughts:

1. I’m bored.
2. What a waste.

I realize that the “I’m bored” makes me sound a little bit like a five-year-old being dragged around to tourist spots when all she wants to do is go back to the hotel swimming pool (and trust me, I had more than a few interactions with that part of myself on the trip), but it was actually more significant than that. The “I’m bored” was a simple recognition of how utterly useless and empty religion really is.

You walk around the temple and see bottles of water, plates of fruit, little gifts left to honor Buddha. I used to make similar sacrifices to God, but now it’s just seems so pathetic and wasteful. To imagine that leaving a few pears in front of a cold, lifeless statue is going to bring you good luck or some kind of fortune…well…it is just very sad. And it’s also a terrible thing to teach other people.

People praying outside the Jade Buddha Temple

Outside, a handful of the faithful were bowing to various Buddhas.

All I could think about was how many people have wasted so much of their lives in the service of something that is so false and disturbing. Again, I don’t say this unsympathetically. It wasn’t lost on me that, until a year ago, I was one of those people.

Several times during the next few days, I found myself imagining where I might be in my personal development and in my life in general had I not invested so much thought and energy in religion.

If I were to add up all the hours I spent in Mass or studying the Bible or saying the Rosary, I would be appalled by all the time I will never get back. I could have spent that time doing so many other things – reading, learning an instrument, writing short stories, studying another language, anything. So much of my life has been devoted to something so meaningless and I will never, ever get that time back.

If you apply that same thinking to all of humanity, well…it’s difficult not to feel a deep sense of loss at all of the things that might have been discovered and invented had all of those years been spent on something real and worthwhile.

Ming Tombs

The second mystic encounter occurred on my last full day in China, en route to the Great Wall.

Anderson and I were on a group tour and the first stop was the Ming Tombs. As the name suggests, this is the burial grounds for the emperors of the Ming Dynasty.

Our chatty tour guide, Justin, gave us a rundown on the tombs before entering the compound. Most of what he said was just pure fantasy that unfortunately he seemed to believe. Even more unfortunately, he’s one of millions of people who ardently believed it, too.

Justin told us that the grounds are set up according to the principles of feng shui. He also shared a few other gems, mostly about how no one goes into the tombs through the front because that’s where the dead go and once you go in, you can never come out. Oh, and if you look back at the tomb when you’re leaving, it brings you bad luck.

While he was talking, I glanced around at the other 12 or so people in our group. Some wore the standard look of polite interest; some were obviously bored. I tried to refrain from rolling my eyes while wondering, “Does anyone here actually believe in any of this?”

The rest of the tour brought out, for me, a series of emotions that ranged from perplexed to angry to bemused to despair to sadness for all the things in the world that could have been and never were because people spent their lives in the service of tyrants and evil ideas.

First, we walked through a building that basically has been turned into a museum, filled with display cases of the essential goodies that were packed away with the royals for their rich afterlife (afterlives?). Among these were a golden teapot and a silver tea set for one empress; no doubt she needed them when hosting high tea beyond the grave. Just think for a minute about all of the people who could have been fed or the tools that could have been made with that gold and silver if it hadn’t been specially designated to be buried with a corpse, sitting unused for hundreds of years.

Zhu Di and the pile of money

There was also a large statue of Emperor Zhu Di, an overweight and cruel ruler who, as Justin was eager to inform us at every opportunity, kept 3,000 concubines during his lifetime. What a guy. Quite a few visitors must have been feeling particularly desperate for some luck or favor from the gods while visiting the tombs, because I noticed a large pile of money that had accumulated at Zhu Di’s feet.

I was appalled. What were these people thinking? Even if the money gets collected for the maintenance of the tombs, which I assume it does, don’t they realize how absurd it is to throw good cash at the wooden feet of a long-dead emperor? Outside, more money had been tossed onto a stone altar at the entrance to another part of the complex. More waste.

Justin led us into a small tower and pointed out the enormous mound that covers Zhu Di’s tomb, which is located 27 meters beneath the surface. Someone pointed out small plaques that were set in the crenellations of the tower and Justin kindly explained their purpose.

“The emperor insisted that every worker put his name on the part of the tomb he worked on,” he said. “So if the emperor don’t like his work, maybe that guy will be killed.”

Wow. I paused for a minute to reflect on one of the plaques. The name was faded (not that I would have been able to read it anyway), but I tried to imagine the poor soul who had built this part of the stone structure, wondering if he had escaped the tyrant’s wrath or if he had been murdered for a job poorly done on a meaningless structure.

Back on the bus, I almost couldn’t get my head around how many things were wrong with what we had just seen.

I’m not just talking about superstitious element. It’s also the fact that thousands of people were forced to devote their lives – their thoughts, their creativity, their intelligence, their resources – to construct what was essentially an elaborate coffin to hold the decaying bones of a murderous bastard. That’s it. That’s what they got to spend their time on earth doing. And if they refused to do it, well…I’m fairly certain their time on the planet was severely shortened.

How many other lives have been wasted in this way throughout the centuries, whether they were forced into this absurd and dangerous service or were brainwashed into thinking this was the highest, most honorable way to spend their days?

I thought about the people praying outside the temple and of those who worshiped violent, disgusting rulers; of the people who go to Mass on Sundays sincerely believing that there’s a being somewhere outside of time who will save them from themselves; of those who willingly throw away their lives in suicide bombings; of all the deaths and destruction in the name of one false belief or another; of all the people who believe in such things today and don’t want to hear anything that will shake that belief.

For a little while, I couldn’t help feeling a very deep, very real sense of despair. Knowing the level of innovation and creativity of which human beings are capable, it is heartbreaking to think about what the world would be like today if we could have back all of that wasted time and all of those wasted lives.

It’s like Anderson said as we stood outside the Ming Tombs, listening to Justin’s fairytale speech:

“Wouldn’t it be nice if everything people have believed throughout human history wasn’t complete bullshit?“
August8th

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The China Chronicles: Part I – Shanghai

Posted in: China, travel

It’s been more than a month since I last posted, and there are a couple of reasons for that.

I had a lot going on personally that I felt I needed to deal with before I could focus on blogging. Plus it was the end of the semester at school, which meant writing an obscene amount of reports, giving obnoxious review tests and really just trying to get the kids and myself to a much-needed break. Oh yeah, and I went on vacation. To China! Which was awesome and which will be the starting point for my return to blogging.

So here we go. I was there for nine days – three in Shanghai and six in Beijing. I’m going to break the trip re-cap into a few posts because it’s too much for one. First up: Shanghai.

I’ll start by saying that China is an amazing place. I had been looking forward to the trip for the past few months, ever since my co-worker, Alison, and I sat in my classroom after school one day and booked our flights. Every week or so, we’d excitedly remind each other, “We’re going to China!,” particularly when one of us needed some cheering up. I always expected it would be a cool, fun experience but it was way more awesome than I had been anticipating.

We left on a Saturday morning – and by we, I’m referring to Alison, her cousin, Beth, and myself. The three of us met up with my friend Anderson, who runs the blog Chinarchy, when we got to Shanghai.

Although I expected Shanghai to be somewhat similar to Seoul, at least in the Westernization aspect, it still felt more “Asian” to me than my current home city ever has. We stayed at the Koala Garden Hostel, a cute little place on a quirky, artsy street. Almost as soon as we arrived, we set off in search of a cold beer (the whole process of getting to the airport and actually making it to Shanghai had been less-than-smooth, to say the least).

Finding a place to grab a beer was more difficult than you might expect, so we also had plenty of time to wander and marvel at how pretty the city is. All I kept thinking was, “This is what I expected things to look like when I moved to Asia.”

Shanghai has a cosmopolitan, big-city feel but there is also something quite unique about it. The architecture is simply fascinating – check out some of the photos below to see the stunning skyline. There are some buildings that look like they came straight out of a sci-fi movie, while others have clearly not been renovated in many years.

After spending the first day wandering around and seeing the Bund, our second day was a bit more organized. We headed to the Yuyuan Gardens and bazaar, where we learned how to haggle with street vendors. Well, Alison, Beth and I learned. Having lived in China for six months already, Anderson pretty much has it down to a science.

Surprisingly, the haggling was tough for me at first. I loved the idea of it, since I rarely pay full price when shopping and I love sniffing out bargains. For some reason, though, I was a little intimidated by the idea of pushing back at the vendors for lower prices. In the beginning, I was even duped by their nice-guy approach to overcharging for their wares. I got the hang of it by the end of the week, though.

As cool as it was to see the futuristic element of Shanghai, my favorite part of the time we spent there was wandering through back alleys and random neighborhoods, seeing how average people lived. It was shocking in some ways – for such a developed city, people were living in sparse and often dilapidated apartments. In one area, I noticed that the sewage system was an exposed pipe near the front door.

One thing I was continually surprised by during the trip was how much more outgoing Chinese people are than Koreans. For some reason, I expected the Chinese to be very closed off, but they were quite friendly, and a lot of the kids would stop and say hello on the street. Part of this was probably the curiosity of seeing a white person (we were stopped on several occasions by people wanting to take pictures with us). Still, it’s not this way at all in Korea. But I’ll save the comparisons between the two countries for another post.

We did have one sobering encounter with a little boy, which I still struggle with when I think about it.

We were leaving the Jade Buddha Temple (which is really just a huge, ridiculous farce that I will cover in another blog post) and heading to lunch when a little boy, about 10 years old, started walking beside us. His face was filthy and his shirt was covered in dirt and he was giving us the saddest look I’ve ever seen.

The boy clearly wanted money, and was clearly experienced at begging for it. Even after being told no, he kept pace with us, repeating the same phrases in Chinese over and over again. At one point, he stuck a finger down his throat, I assume to indicate that he was hungry. I could feel my stomach starting to turn.

It’s not that I’ve never encountered a beggar before. I’ve lived in New York City and Washington, D.C., so I’ve met my fair share of homeless, desperate people, some more heartbreaking than others. But this was the first time I’d been approached by a begging child. It was horrible.

You always see these commercials back home from the Christian Children’s Fund or some similar organization imploring you to help poor, hungry children in Asia. You hear stories about kids in foreign countries who are too poor to go to school, or who have to work or beg for money to help support their families, and yeah, it’s sad but it never really reaches you until you actually see it.

It was so disturbing. The little boy was breaking my heart but I couldn’t take my eyes off him; I just felt so terrible. I’m sure he could tell that I was torn, so he kept following us, even after everyone had told him we weren’t giving him any money. I wanted so much to give him something, but as everyone else rightly pointed out, giving him money is only going to make the problem worse. It will just perpetuate the scheme that keeps kids out on the streets begging for money in the first place. So there was really nothing we could do.

I realize that this same scene plays out every day with kids all over the world, and it’s almost overwhelming to think about. It’s tragic, and I couldn’t help but feel despair thinking about where this poor kid’s life is probably headed, if he’s already out on the streets begging and he’s only about 10 years old.

There’s probably a lot more to say on that subject, but this post is already on the long side, so I’ll wrap it up there for now.

Overall, my visit to Shanghai was a lot of fun (quite expensive, but fun) and it’s definitely a place I would visit again at some point.

So there’s part one of my trip to China. We took an overnight train to Beijing for the second leg of our vacation, and I’ll cover that part later this week. I have a few posts planned because there’s just too much to say to cover in one or two.

In the meantime, here are some photos of Shanghai’s very cool skyline and of the Bund, all taken by Anderson. Check out my flickr page for more pictures of the city.

Check out that skyline

Moon rising over Shanghai

The Bund at night, seen from the 87th floor of the Jin Mao Tower
July1st

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Conflict Resolution Part II: A Solution?

Posted in: children, teaching

A few weeks ago, I wrote my first post about conflict resolution and some of the problems that have been coming up with the kids at school. It’s taken me much longer to write a follow up than I had originally anticipated and it turned out I had a lot more to say on the subject than I had realized, so I’ve decided to break it up into at least three parts.

This installment will be on what I’ve been doing to try to teach the kids conflict resolution skills – and any feedback or advice would be much appreciated.

I’ve felt like I’ve been struggling a lot when it comes to this area, like I don’t really have a solid strategy for how to approach it and it can be overwhelming. Even writing this, I felt all over the place, not really focused and that’s how I feel when I’m trying to help the kids sometimes. I have this goal of helping them learn to resolve conflicts peacefully but for the most part, I just feel ineffective and kind of helpless, like I’m just flailing around.

I’m sure that’s not always the case but I did feel sort of stuck. Lately, however, I realized that maybe it’s because I’ve been approaching it the wrong way.

After a lot of back and forth and different attempts to help the kids solve their problems peacefully rather than resorting to hitting or appealing to an authority figure, I finally realized that maybe I just need to boil it down to one simple concept and go from there. And that concept is: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

It seems so simple and in theory, it is. But how often do these kids see examples of this from the adults in their lives? Probably never.

There are times when I see the kids fighting and I think, not unsympathetically, well, what did you expect? You hit him in the face and stole his toy, did you really think he wasn’t going to do anything about it? You hit him, he got angry, he hit you back. It doesn’t make it right but it’s not exactly a surprise.

Yet they keep on doing it. I’m not saying it’s their fault because, really, I’m sure they have never been taught anything about conflict resolution in their lives. They hear “don’t hit” all the time, but that doesn’t mean they stop hitting. Even though they admit they don’t like when someone hits them, they will keep on doing it to other people and then cry when that person does it back to them.

My guess would be the following, based on what I know of most of the kids’ family situations:
1. They are abused at home or witness some kind of violence (and just to be clear, I include spanking when I use the word abuse).
2. Their parents work long hours and travel for business so they aren’t around a lot and either feel guilty and give in to everything their child wants, or don’t have enough time to actually raise their children and teach them things like getting along with others or any kind of negotiation.

So you can’t blame the kids. They’re four, they see something they want and they take it. And when they’re frustrated, their immediate reaction is to lash out and hit the person who offends them. (Which actually makes perfect sense if their parents do spank them, because that’s exactly what they experience at home .)

And so I’m starting to think that, until they get this idea that you should treat other people the way you want to be treated and an understanding of how this kind of behavior makes you and other people feel, they won’t be able to fully get to peaceful conflict resolution.

One thing the other teachers and I have tried to get the kids to do is talk to each other before running to us to get involved. Even after trying to get the “treat others the way you wanted to be treated” point across, I’ll ask them if they can tell each other, “That made me feel bad” or “I am angry.” And usually they will do it, but then…the same scene plays out, usually with the same kids, a few minutes later.

So I’m not entirely sure what to do. I don’t know if this just something that will take time and that they will learn and that I can keep working on with them, or if there is a better approach I could be taking.

There is one thing I do have control over and that is myself. I’ve always tried to be fair and sincere with the kids and treat them with empathy and respect. But lately, I’ve been making sure to check myself more frequently, especially in situations where I might get frustrated or I’m trying to teach a lesson and some of the kids are just not having it. Those are moments of conflict for us, and I’ve been especially careful to check in with myself about how I’m handling it.

For one thing, I ask if I’m holding to the “treat others the way you want to be treated” thing. Because it is very easy to slide into the authority figure role and exert your power to end the conflict and move on with the class.

But, if it was me who was sitting in a class I was forced to be in and was expected to participate in a lesson I couldn’t care less about, I wouldn’t want to be bullied or forced into it. I wouldn’t want someone ordering me around. At the very least, I would want some acknowledgment that I was being heard, that my annoyance and frustration weren’t being completely dismissed.

When one of the kids is blatantly bored and acting out, I do talk to them and ask how they’re feeling, and am sympathetic if they’re bored or tired or annoyed. Then I usually try to work out some kind of compromise or switch up the lesson a bit so they’re actually getting something out of the class. (This usually involves breaking out my laptop and watching Animal Planet videos on youtube, which is way more interesting for everyone, and gets the kids more excited about science than any of our book work possibly can.)

And I talk to the kids about how I’m feeling. If I’m happy with them or we’ve had a really good class, I’ll make a big deal out of that, but I’m also honest when I’m angry or frustrated. I try to be careful and make sure it doesn’t sound like I’m blaming them or attacking them, but I’ll say, “Guys, I feel a little angry/frustrated/sad right now, and I’m not really sure what to do.” And I’ll ask how they’re feeling, and they’ll usually say they’re angry or sad and we talk about it. It doesn’t always mean class goes any better, but at least we’re talking about our feelings and it’s not just me getting upset and making my needs the priority.

None of this is to say that I manage this perfectly all the time or that I don’t lose my patience and get annoyed and do things I regret. And there are definitely times when I find myself exerting my authority because it’s easier, and like I said, I try to catch myself before doing that but I definitely mess up. I’m honest with the kids and apologize when I do, but it still happens sometimes.

I genuinely want them to enjoy class and to feel that they’re in a comfortable, stimulating environment. I want them to know that their feelings are valid and important, and that they can express themselves freely. I’m hoping that by setting an example of treating other people well and talking about our feelings, they’ll start practicing that with each other.

Because this is important. If all a child is taught about conflict is that it’s bad, or that you solve it through bullying or violence or running to an authority figure, then what is going to happen as they get older? That’s exactly how they are going to deal with problems, and that is what leads to violence on so many levels.

When people are taught from the time that they’re born that violence is necessary and good, it’s no wonder that they grow up believing in and supporting horrifically violent institutions such as the state, and why they will allow and commit violence in their personal lives.

If, on the other hand, they are shown empathy and learn to show it to others, and understand mutual respect and negotiation, they’ll be less likely to turn to violence.

But that’s a subject for another post, so stay tuned for part III of conflict resolution.
June15th

1 Comment

A Good Share with Cherry Class

Posted in: teaching

I’ve been working on a follow-up to my last post, about conflict resolution, and will hopefully have that up soon, but I’m struggling a little so it’s taking longer than I had intended.

In the meantime, I just wanted to write about a great moment my homeroom students and I had during our field trip to the Science Museum today.

We had just entered the natural history hall because my co-teacher, Bonnie, had said there was a dinosaur exhibit and we were all pumped for that. But first we discovered a room dedicated to the planets and stars so, obviously, we took a detour.

There was a section of the room that had cushions set up as recliners so that if you leaned all the way back, you could see stars spinning very fast and if you looked directly up, you would see simulations of galaxies colliding, among other things (I don’t know what the other things were because the descriptions were all written in Korean, which I haven’t mastered yet. They were still pretty gorgeous, though).

Julie and Sally soon rushed ahead to check out some trucks you could play on while pretending to ride across the wilder, more mountainous parts of Korea, but the rest of the kids hung back in the space room.

Now, I recently rediscovered a fascination with the planets and with other space that I had when I was very young but let go of years ago. So I was more than happy to hang out in that room. The kids and I sat on the cushions and leaned back to stare at these colliding galaxies and the moment was just…awesome.

I’m not sure exactly how to describe it. Every kid was really into it, but also so relaxed and thoughtful for just a minute.

“God, guys, isn’t that so beautiful? I could do this all day,” I said. I wasn’t even really expecting to get much of a response back because they were so absorbed. But right away I heard:

“Yeah, it is.”

“I love it, too.”

“I like this.”

“This is my favorite.”

“I love this. I want to go there someday.”

The last came from Michelle, which was great because she’s smart and a good student by conventional standards, but unlike some of the other students, I’ve never really heard her express that much of an interest in anything besides Disney princesses. Well, she was excited when we went to the zoo, but this was different, she was so earnest when she started talking about this.

Maybe it doesn’t sound like much, but it was for us (or maybe just for me). It’s so rare that we’re together, not in a classroom setting, where someone isn’t running around or yelling or off in their own world. This was something we all really loved and experienced together, something that for a second, we shared and it felt like we were all on the same level.

Maybe we all had the same awestruck but quiet feeling as we sat in that room. Whatever it was, it was one of those moments where you just kind of feel a bond between yourself and the people around you. Once in awhile, I’ll have something like that with the kids one-on-one but it was just nice for us all to sit there, totally on the same page, really enjoying something together. Overall, just a good Cherry Class bond.
June8th

2 Comments

Conflict Resolution Part I: The Situation

Posted in: teaching

Of all the things I probably should have anticipated about teaching, conflict resolution is the one I thought about least and have found myself dealing with most often. It’s also one of the saddest and most frustrating elements of working with the kids.

The other things – outside pressures, expectations from the school, the overbearing and superficial nature of a lot of the parents – are always in the background. But the fighting and teasing and hurt feelings are near constant throughout the day.

I’ve been wanting to write a post on this for awhile, but I’ve decided to break this into two parts. First, I’ll give a few examples of the types of conflicts that come up regularly. In the next post, I’ll focus on the potential causes, strategies for addressing the problem and soliciting words of wisdom.

Vicky

Vicky is one of my homeroom students. When talking to her alone, she is very sweet, and is obviously trying desperately to gain approval. She sometimes does this by acting or talking like a baby (probably because she has a younger sister who gets attention when she acts like that), but Vicky is actually pretty smart and has a great personality beneath her perpetual fight-picking habit.

Since the beginning of the year, Vicky has stood out as someone who isn’t really nice to the other kids, trying to antagonize them under cover of seeming innocent. During the first couple of months, I’d see her outright hit one of the other kids then deny it or tell me it was the other way around, that the other child had hit her. This went on for quite awhile and I was really worried about Vicky. First of all, why would a 4-year-old be this aggressive? Second, I was concerned about her making friends and learning to work with others, as she seemed to be a bit of a loner in the class.

Then she became friends with Michelle.

Michelle is probably the nicest student on the entire floor. She’s the type of kid you want to be best friends with. She’s nice, smart, funny, direct – and she is never mean to anyone. For all the fighting that goes on among the other children, Michelle is always above it. Not because she doesn’t have friends, but because everyone loves her. Michelle has been involved in conflicts two or three times this year, and never once has she yelled at whoever wronged her or responded in a physical way. The other kids treat her with a respect and gentleness they don’t usually show to anyone else.

So I thought Michelle might be a good influence on Vicky. And she was, at first. For a couple of weeks, Vicky seemed to have turned a corner. Less fighting, more playing with the other kids, even helping them out or showing a kind gesture once in awhile.

But then it started to switch back again. Unprovoked, she would color on Brandon’s or Andrew’s papers or notebooks, which a source of ire for all of the kids. She started pushing and shoving again, not as blatantly or harshly as before, but it’s still alarming. And she started making remarks that were very clearly meant to make the other students cry. Cutting remarks and verbal bullying used to be Julie’s territory but she has made a remarkable change, from her attitude in class to her treatment of her classmates. Vicky, however, seems to have picked up her slack.

I know that it isn’t her fault, and I feel a lot of anger toward whoever is creating the insecurities and anxiety that are probably causing her to lash out. She desperately needs attention and approval, and seems to try so hard but the ways in which she is learning to do it are setting her up for some devastating consequences later in life.

Brian

OK, full disclosure, I have a bit of a soft spot for Brian. Not that I don’t for Vicky or for the other kids, because I love them all dearly. But Brian is special.

He started at the school a few weeks ago and was unfairly placed in Alison’s class. I say unfairly because 1. She had just gotten three other new students, all of whom needed to be helped through the transition 2. The students she had had from the beginning of the year had to deal with a lot of change at one time 3. Brian doesn’t belong in Pine Class.

Oak and Pine are considered the more advanced of the four six-year-old classes, and he was put there because one of the administrators promised his mom that he would be, regardless of the fact that he didn’t know how to feed himself or use a pair of scissors.

This puts an unfair amount of stress on him, because it is very obvious how behind the rest of the students he is. And it detracts from the attention and the lessons the other kids should be getting, because so much needs to be devoted to helping Brian. Had he been placed in Cherry or Cedar, the less advanced classes, he would have been among students closer to his level and it would have been much easier for him to get used to being in school and to get caught up on the work, without being frustrated and stressed. But hey, why do anything that might actually benefit the kid, right?

Anyway, Brian kind of took a liking to me right from the beginning and we became friends. Whenever we see each other in the hall, he calls out my name or comes into my classroom and makes a heart symbol with his hands, or tells me he’s sad that he has to say bye-bye when our class ends.

There is a sweetness to him that you have to see to understand. He really means well and seems so young, I do have an urge to baby and protect him (although I am working on being aware of when I’m babying the kids too much). Liz, another co-teacher, told me last week that Brian told his mom that he wants to be my son. This was probably one of the nicest things I’ve heard since I started teaching. So yeah, he just kind of melts my heart.

The other Pine Class kids, most of whom are really nice most of the time, picked up on this attachment of Brian’s, and they started making fun of him about it. They’d try to get him to call my name in the sing-song voice he uses and would laugh when he got excited to come to class. It was fairly subtle but it was mean. At first, I don’t think he realized what they were doing but I’m pretty sure he picked up on it and then didn’t know how to respond so he just went along with them.

Alison talked to them about what they were doing, and they did stop for the most part, although I’ll occasionally hear someone taunt him. However, Brian does need and get a lot of attention, and it’s caused problems in other ways, as well.

Example: Tong Hu and Jayden. They are two other Pine Class kids, and they seem to have been most affected by Brian’s arrival. Alison and I talked about it, and both think it’s because they aren’t used to not getting as much attention as they once did. So they’re taking that out on Brian.

Last week, I walked into class and found Tong Hu holding Brian’s arms behind his back while Jayden repeatedly slapped him. I took Tong Hu and Jayden outside to talk about what was going on for them, and both said they don’t like Brian. I told them that’s OK, they don’t have to like him, but they certainly don’t get to hit him. Tong Hu seemed to get it, but the next day, I found Jayden grabbing and hitting Brian again. He can’t seem to make up his mind about whether he wants to be his friend or to fight him. One minute, I’ll see Jayden trying to help Brian with his classwork and the next, he’s mocking him or trying to hurt him.

I do think it has a lot to do with Jayden’s own desire and need for attention. Today, for example, Brian fell asleep in class and was leaning on me while he slept. I couldn’t wake him up, so I let him be. Jayden seemed to be struggling with his work, so I asked him to bring his book to me so we could go over it together.

When he got to my chair, however, the book was closed and he crawled into my lap and put his head on the desk and closed his eyes. I don’t think he was really asleep; I think he just wanted the same level of comfort and attention he saw Brian getting. I didn’t want the rest of the class to get jealous or see it as me playing favorites but no one else seemed to be having a problem and didn’t say much about Jayden, so I let him be. If this is what he needs right now, I figured, better to let him stay here than to make him do the work and feel rejected or like I’m pushing him away.

So I’m sure that it is an attention issue that’s causing him to be jealous of Brian, but it still doesn’t justify his actions. And the taunts and mocking by the rest of the class alarmed me almost more than the physical aggression because it seemed so unlike them, but also so mean.

Cedar Class

I’m using this class as an example of what happens among all of the classes. But this issue really started to hit me during a language arts session with them one day.

Throughout the entire 40 minutes of class, the kids would not stop bickering. Shirley, who doesn’t speak much English, would shout “Ricky!” every five minutes and point earnestly at the boy next to her because he was moving his arms around and kept touching her.

Then there was a chorus of other complaints:

“Daniel is pushing!”

“Kevin is THIS (followed by a re-enactment of whatever Kevin had been doing)!”

“No, that’s mine!”

“Hey, stop that!”

It wasn’t as bad as the “I do not like you”s I hear from the kids with better English, but still. It was impossible to teach but even more importantly, it was so disheartening to see them sit and pick at every little thing the other kids did. Sometimes it was just tattle-tale type complaints. And most of these shouts were accompanied by pushing, hitting, flicking, face squeezing and taking a pencil, eraser or whatever else was available out of someone else’s hand.

Then we moved to the floor to read a book before class ended. The physical fighting stopped, but the verbal complaints just got worse. There was not one moment in the last 10 minutes of class that someone wasn’t yelling at someone else, either in English or Korean, or telling me how they were being wronged. Eventually I realized that all of the, “Why don’t you tell Kevin how you feel when he does that?”s, or “Guys, don’t hit each other. If you’re angry, tell the person but no hitting”s, or “How does it make you feel when someone does that to you? Do you think Lara feels that way when you do that to her?”s were not going to make a bit of difference.

My chest felt heavy and I thought I was going to burst into tears. There are very few times in my life that I have felt that defeated. I ended class early and after the students had left, I went to the teacher’s room and started to cry. I had a lot on my mind that week anyway, but the fighting is what really did me in.

I just felt so helpless. They’re so young, but there are moments when trying to help them get along and talk to them about what they’re feeling feels like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think it’s worth it, because of course I think that’s one of the most important things we can do, it just sometimes leads to moments of great sadness and feelings of helplessness.

Maybe I’m just going about it all the wrong way, which is where the next post will come in: what I’ve been doing, where I think I’ve been going wrong, what the causes might be and, again, a plea for any and all suggestions on how to better address the situation.
May24th

4 Comments

Beautiful (well, sort of) Busan

Posted in: Uncategorized

It’s been awhile since my last post and I have a bunch I’ve been wanting to do on teaching, but I just got back from a weekend trip to Busan, in the southern part of the country, and realized I haven’t written much on Korea itself in awhile so I figured I’d start with that.

So. Busan. It’s basically a beach resort, not entirely unlike Ocean City, Md., or some of the beach towns in New Jersey. It very clearly makes a lot of money off of tourists, particularly the Westerners who flock there for Buddha’s Birthday weekend, which is the reason I was there.

Everyone has at least one day off for Buddha’s Birthday, so most foreigners plan trips for the holiday. My original plan was to go somewhere outside of Korea for the weekend, preferably Cambodia or Taiwan. However, it turned out that Cambodia was a bit too pricey and the flight too long for such a short stay, and the other teachers and I waited too long to book flights to Taiwan. As awesome a city as I’m sure Taipei is, I wasn’t exactly in a position to drop $600 on plane tickets at the time, so it will have to wait. So we settled on Busan.

It really did remind me a lot of beach towns at home, not only because of the cluster of hotels and slightly cheesy bars lining the beach, but also because of the somewhat destitute neighborhoods found in the less touristy parts of town.

Megan, Alison and Toriann are the other girls I went with (we all teach at the same school). We stayed in a hostel, which was a first for Megan and me, and it was a really great time. Our roommates were quite entertaining and we spent our first full night in Busan sitting outside of a Family Mart (think 7-11) drinking soju and beer with them. Soju is a notorious Korean drink and it costs the equivalent of $1.50. You can imagine how high quality that is.

The couple who ran the hostel were really nice and they had the most adorable baby. As we were leaving on Sunday, it occurred to me that that didn’t seem to be a bad life. The woman was cleaning up and seeing guests off, the man was reading on the couch and the baby was just being happy and cute. It just seemed like a quiet, pleasant little scene and I kind of envied them for a minute. But anyway, that’s getting off topic.

The hostel was a little removed from the beach, so we got to know the Busan subway and bus systems very well. The subway was decent. The bus…not so much. We were on one for almost an hour before deciding to get off and switch to the subway because it was taking a ridiculous amount of time to get to the beach. But this did give us a chance to see a lot of Busan that we would have missed otherwise.

This is where the dismal side comes in. Korean cities, from what I’ve seen so far, aren’t really beautiful. Most of the buildings look the same with enormous, bright and often tacky signs splashed over them. There are some really cool buildings and neighborhoods in Seoul, but the not-so-glamorous buildings seems to be the norm in most of the smaller towns. The countryside is incredibly beautiful, but the towns are less so. Busan was no different.

In fact, there were sections where it looked pretty sad and desolate, with shops clearly gone out of business, empty storefronts, just sort of dreary all around. Obviously that isn’t a scene that is unique to Korea by any means, but it was sadly interesting to see the contrast between the lively tourist section and the “real” areas of Busan.

One place in the city that was gorgeous was the beach. I’m used to the flat beaches of the East Coast, so this was a pleasantly new experience. There were small islands loosely shrouded in fog off the coast and gorgeous cliffs at the other end of the beach. The water was still a little chilly but Megan convinced me to dive in and it was glorious. I hadn’t actually swam in the ocean in years but it was completely perfect.

I kept telling everyone that this would be part of my dream life: swimming on a perfect, gorgeous day, beer in hand, talking with friends, thinking about good and important things. I spent quite a while just swimming and thinking and it was completely awesome and refreshing.

Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend was rainy, so that was pretty much the end of any sightseeing. On Saturday, we hung out at a restaurant called Fuzzy Navel and played cards all afternoon, which was also relaxing and a lot of fun. I have to say, though, based on the scene in Busan, it would appear that Buddha’s Birthday Weekend is just a good excuse for foreigners to party.

The bars and restaurants were packed with other teachers, which was really fun, but it did also seem like a typical scene you would either see at home or would expect from stereotypical Westerners: loud, slightly obnoxious and for the most part, completely wasted. Not that I wasn’t partaking in plenty drinks of my own, because I was. Just making an observation about the foreign culture in general.

It was a really fun weekend and it’s always nice to see other parts of Korea. Seoul is great, but just being away and recharging is great and helps you keep perspective.

So that’s my update and my sort of excuse for not having stuck to my plan of blogging more frequently. Next up: lots more to say about teaching and kids.
May3rd

5 Comments

All kinds of irritation when it comes to “fat pride”

Posted in: personal growth, self-esteem

OK, so two things right up front.

1. I lied about posting more regularly. My intentions were good, really, but I’ve been completely engrossed in the “Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R. R. Martin and pretty much all of my free time has been devoted to devouring those books. And to trying to decide whether or not “Caprica,” the spin-off of “Battlestar Galactica,” is worth obsession status or is just OK. But that’s another story.

2. This post has absolutely nothing to do with South Korea or teaching. In fact, it’s kind of a rant.

I was on Facebook for the 80th time today when I got a suggestion to “like” the group “Curvy Girls are Better than Skinny Girls!” The eye rolling began immediately and I should have ignored it but…something possessed me to click the link. I regretted that choice right away.

I despise these types of groups, mostly because this whole “curvy/heavy/fat pride” thing drives me in-frakking-sane. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important to be healthy and be comfortable with your body. It’s that the “in your face” element rings so incredibly false to me.

First of all, I am always suspicious of groups and articles and statuses that cheer on people who are overweight. That’s not to say that all curvy women are overweight, and I do happen to think healthy curves are fantastic. But too often, I think, “curvy” is used as a way for women to falsely reassure themselves that “Oh, no, I’m not fat. It doesn’t matter than I’m 20 pounds overweight. I’m just curvy.”

I read through some of the comments on the different statuses and while there might be a handful of people on there who actually are healthy and confident about how they feel, overall, it seemed like a lot of overzealous false pride to cover up a mountain of insecurities. This group obviously isn’t the only place where this sort of thing goes on. It reminded of an article I read last summer about the hubbub over Glamour magazine’s decision to feature a plus-size model and heavier women in the publication.

They got a lot of positive feedback from women who said they were thrilled to finally see someone who “looked like them” in a mainstream magazine. This immediately set off alarm bells for me.

On the surface, I guess the case could be made that this is a positive thing, promoting a more natural look, instead of an emaciated, airbrushed size zero. That’s not really what concerned me, though.

My first thought upon hearing the positive feedback was, “That’s where your drawing your comfort and inspiration from? That a woman who is the same size as you was featured in a one-off photo spread in Glamour magazine?” There is just so much wrong with that.

If you’re looking to fashion magazines to affirm your self-worth in the first place, you’re already in trouble. And so what if another woman is the same size as you? That doesn’t really mean anything when you get down to it.The fact that you have a similar frame and weight to someone else is completely irrelevant to whether or not you’re happy with your body or are healthy.

I guess it sounds good in the moment, but I’ve tried that little trick and it actually has the complete opposite effect for me. I’ll be feeling insecure, look around until I spot another girl with a similar shape and say, “See? She looks good. That means I do, too. I’m totally fine.” But does that erase those feelings of self-consciousness and shame that I’ve been trying to keep at bay? No, of course not. And later on, I’ll find myself self-attacking for making excuses instead of doing something about my weight. I doubt that I’m the only woman who’s gone through this.

Maybe Glamour was well-intentioned (and let’s be serious, targeting curvier and plus-size women, who generally seem to be left out of the mainstream fashion world’s consciousness, was also probably a smart business ploy), but I think it’s dangerous to draw on that as your source of inspiration when it comes to feeling good about yourself. Great for starting a conversation about body image, maybe, although the real issues at the heart of eating disorders and bad body image would probably be left out anyway.

Moving on.

Another thing that irks me is when people say, “So what if I’m overweight? My man (or whatever guy I’m interested in) should love me anyway. I’m awesome even with the extra pounds.”

And you know what? You probably are awesome, and I’m certainly not saying that every woman should strive for Nicole Scherzinger abs and a Kim Kardashian butt. Not at all. But it’s been my experience, with my own issues and in conversations with many friends, that there is generally a lot of insecurity attached to body image, and the deeper those issues go, the more they are going to come out in other areas of your life as well. Rather than telling yourself you look and feel fine when you’re actually living an unhealthy lifestyle and managing your anxiety rather than addressing it is not exactly a loving thing to do.

So when people say, “He should love me anyway,” I’m inclined to think, “Really? He should? Because you don’t love yourself enough to be honest about your feelings and insecurities, so why should someone else?”

Then there’s the fact that these types of groups seem to pit “curvy girls” against “skinny girls,” thereby villainizing other women for being slimmer, which also smacks of insecurity. I’m always just a little suspicious of those who claim to be soooooooo comfortable with their bodies that they not only have to keep reminding everyone around them of that but also knock others in the process.

Now, I should say here that I’m not just ranting for the sake of it or because I don’t feel empathy for people who love these articles and join these groups. The reason I feel comfortable talking about this is because I’ve experienced all of it. I honestly don’t remember a time when I wasn’t self-conscious about my body or convinced I was overweight. I’ve tried all kinds of diets, gone through hardcore exercising spurts, only to gain the weight back again.

Celebrity magazines used to be like crack cocaine to me and I often tried to give myself false comfort and confidence by claiming to admire healthier, curvier looking women. I actually did think a lot of them looked great. But I remember feeling a little bit of shame and anxiety as well, because deep down, I was lying to myself, saying, “Look, she’s not so in shape so if this celebrity who has nothing to do with my life can look like that, I can be a little pudgier, too,” rather than face the truth about my insecurities.

I told myself all kinds of stories – guys should like me anyway, it doesn’t matter that I’ve gained 10 pounds, who cares if I don’t like to exercise, I’m young and have years and years to start eating healthy…anything to avoid the actual work that comes with dealing with these issues.

About a month ago, however, I made the decision to make real changes and instead of exercising and eating better because I “wanted to look good,” I’ve started learning about nutrition and also journaling and doing self-work to examine my history and relationship with weight and eating issues. It is partly about feeling better about my appearance, but it’s become a lot deeper than that, about having enough self-respect to take care of myself, physically and mentally. This is not to say I’m some shining example, but I do understand and live with the baggage that comes with all of this. Maybe that’s why I feel so annoyed and defensive about these types of articles and groups.

Being overweight or having a negative body image can be emotionally devastating. I can’t speak for other people, but for me, it infected so many areas of my life. It’s painful and can bring on feelings of shame, depression, anger, bitterness – a lot of unpleasant emotions. None of those are easy to face. So yeah, in the short-term, it is easier to say, “Well, who cares. So what if I’m a little bit overweight? I’m great. People should love me anyway. I’m happy with the way I am. I’ll eat however I want. It doesn’t matter. I just don’t like exercising.” And on and on.

But in the end, all the plus-size photo shoots and mythology and Facebook groups in the world don’t actually make a difference. In fact, they’re just more harmful tools that help people avoid really looking at their feelings and being honest and making changes in their lives. If you feel the need to shout your pride about being bigger at anyone who will listen, it’s probably time to start having a serious talk with the voices in your own consciousness.

Real confidence and self-love don’t come from comparing yourself to someone in Glamour or solidarity with others who have similar burdens. It comes after painstaking, time-consuming work and honesty, not simply because you tell yourself you’re lovable and sexy at any size.
April25th

2 Comments

Thoughts before turning a quarter of a century old

Posted in: personal growth

It’s been awhile since my last post, but I’m hoping to get back on track starting this week. Things have just been a little hectic with parent-teacher conferences and progress reports at school, and last weekend I went away on a hiking trip, which kind of threw me off. It was totally awesome, especially for my first hike, but being gone all weekend made me feel really behind on everything since then.

Anyway. This week is a big one not only because I’m going to start blogging regularly, for real, but also because I turn 25 tomorrow. I’m not sure whether or not 25 is supposed to be a big deal birthday, but it’s going to be for me.

I’ve given this a lot of thought during the past week. What do I want 25 to be? The other day as I was running at the gym, I thought, “I want 25 to be the year I stand up for myself.” I’ve always had a problem with this. No matter how many pep talks I’d have in the privacy of my room or while driving alone, I still felt anxious about sticking up for myself, and allowed myself to be around people who made me feel guilty, ashamed, unintelligent and/or small. That’s not a loving or healthy way to treat yourself, and although I’ve gotten better about this, the tendency is still there. It’s something I plan to be more aware of and really work on.

That didn’t seem like enough, though. Standing up for myself is a great and scary thing, yes. But what do I really want 25 to look like overall? I want this year to be the one where I really start living authentically. Not apologizing for how I think and feel, being completely, truly honest with myself and the people around me, nurturing my curiosity about things and not letting fear or the critic in my head tell me I can’t do or understand something.

I want to take care of myself. Not just emotionally and intellectually, but physically as well. Even though I’ve been through plenty of “healthy” spurts in the past, those have been kind of superficial and I never made any real lifestyle changes. So it’s time to start caring enough about myself to be healthy in all areas of my life.

Maybe these things seem obvious since they are vital to a person’s happiness. As important as they are, however, these are the areas in which I’ve held myself back my entire life. I’ve worked hard these past few months to work through my problems in these areas, and I can feel that I’ve become a stronger person. Now I’m ready to take that to the next level.

I’m really excited about turning 25. Even though I could make these changes on any given day, and have already started working on them, a birthday just seems like a good place to really mark this “new me.” Twenty-four was the best year of my life. I made some really dramatic changes that were at times quite painful and difficult, but ultimately brought me more happiness and freedom than I ever imagined possible. Now I’m excited to build on those and live with even more joy, understanding and curiosity.

So I guess that’s that. Happy 25th birthday to me