It's Always Sunny In South Korea
  • self-esteem
  • October6th

    9 Comments

    A friend posted this on Facebook earlier today and I simply had to post it, terrible though it is.

    In many ways, it exemplifies the things I dislike about Korea. But more importantly, it is a concise, revealing look at the cruel and damaging effects wreaked by uncompromising allegiance to “culture.”

    The video shows an altercation on the subway between a young woman and an ajumma (a middle-aged or older Korean woman who has mythic status in this country). I can’t read Hangul or understand what they’re saying but my guess would be that the ajumma demanded that the younger passenger give up her seat and that the younger woman refused, or something similar to that.

    The clip is brief (just under two minutes long) but I still found it difficult to watch. It’s not gruesome or anything, but it is sad and infuriating.

    For anyone reading this who doesn’t want to see the action, it starts with the two women yelling at each other but quickly becomes violent as the ajumma physically attacks the girl and throws her around the metro car. For those who do want to watch it, here it is.

    Allow me to unpack the multiple facets of corruption layered into this brief video.

    First, the obvious: the physical violence. I don’t care what kind of respect people think should be given to these old, bitter pillars of Korean society. Under no circumstances is it ever OK to scream in someone’s face and physically attack them simply because you’re angry. You don’t get a free pass to abuse people because you had a few kids, a bad perm and have passed middle age. Being old does not equal being allowed to be violent.

    Then we have the respect issue. This is huge in Korea. And I’m not talking about the, “This is a wonderful person who did great things and has earned people’s admiration” kind of respect. I’m talking about the, “I’m older than you so what I say goes”/”I’m bigger than you so you have to do what I say” kind of respect that, from what I’ve observed, is emotionally crippling this society.

    Korean culture accords automatic virtue and respect to anyone who is older than you, particular grandparents and the elderly. It’s common knowledge that when an ajumma tells you to move, you move. If she pushes you off a bus, jabs you with her walking stick, shoves you out of the way on an elevator or barks an order at you, you are supposed to obey. She’s old and deserves respect, after all.

    So the young girl on the subway didn’t even really stand a chance. In as traditional and rigid a culture as this is, it goes without saying that she should bow to whatever the older woman wanted her to do or shut her mouth even if she didn’t like what the ajumma had to say. Judging from the clip, however, that girl had a mind of her own, and paid for it.

    Notice how no one stepped in to help this girl while this lunatic old bat was dragging her around by her hair. You hear someone yelling, perhaps at the ajumma, but no one steps in. Not one person. The best anyone could seem to do was to hand the girl back her phone after she dropped it while being flung about like a rag doll. Everyone either stared or looked away. How utterly pathetic and tragic. It can be terrifying to step in the middle of a fight but come on here. The girl wasn’t even fighting back. She just screamed and screamed while the woman hurt her.

    I do wonder why she didn’t fight back or at least try to pull herself out of the woman’s grip. Was that also because to pull away would have been considered disrespectful? Obviously I’m not advocating hitting an old woman but it strikes me as odd that she wouldn’t have tried harder to break away. Maybe she was afraid of hurting the old lady. I don’t know. But that’s not really the point anyway.

    I could be wrong but my guess is that at least part of the reason no one intervened is because ajummas seem to be granted exemption from behaving like reasonable, compassionate members of society. I’m not saying this applies to all of them and yes, I’m aware that most of them were probably traumatized as children and that makes them the way they are today. But those are not excuses for attacking other people. However, age is everything in Korea. Respect is demanded, not earned. Simply by having been born in a particular decade, people can manipulate, guilt and control those around them all under the guise of respect.

    I also don’t think it’s insignificant that this happened between two women. I don’t know all the details of the situation, but I find it difficult to imagine that this sort of exchange would ever happen between an ajumma and a man. Men are given a good deal more respect than women here and I’m sure that the woman was a much easier target for the old bitch. For one thing, she is less physically intimidating. For another, it’s more acceptable and effective to bully a woman in this way than it is to do it to a man.

    This ajuma knew all of that. Whatever the cause of the argument, she had to have known that she was dealing with one of the most vulnerable passengers on that train, a girl who would get no support whatsoever from anyone watching their argument. She knew that Korean culture grants her a nearly unquestioning respect and authority that allow her to bully and manipulate people as she sees fit (and nevermind what she did to that poor girl. Imagine how she is in her relationship with her husband, and, even more tragically, her children.). I’m not saying that she ran those calculations through her head while she was standing on the train. She didn’t have to. By now, she instinctively knows what she can get away with. And that makes the whole scene even worse.

    That’s what really angers me about this whole scene, I think. But it’s not just about this particular incident. It’s infuriating because the tactics that this old woman used to bully and humiliate this young girl are the same ones employed against people, especially children, every day. People are given a free pass to intimidate, shame and physically harm others into doing what they want, simply because they’re older and “what they say goes,” or “you have to have respect for your elders’ wishes.”

    There’s no such thing as earning respect – there are only irrational rules and demands that are used to break people down, make them feel small, ashamed, crazy and alone. Maybe it seems like a stretch to go from the ajumma on the subway to universal ways people have of dealing with each other, but the connection seems clear to me. It’s just one small example of a problem that plays out again and again every day, based on warped traditions and twisted culture.

    Update: Here’s an explanation of what happened from Andrew, who blogs at http://trekkerdrew.blogspot.com/

    “From my understanding of the translations on the Youtube page, the girl had accidentally smudged the ajumma’s leg with her muddy shoe. The girl is 2nd or 3rd generation and speaks poor Korean (she’s likely a native English speaker) and tried to apologize and bow to the ajumma. However, she did not use the correct honorific in addressing the ajumma, and the ajumma went nuts on the girl, calling her obscenities and such.

    This is equally as bad as “deserving respect” for one’s age, and is in fact part of that same hierarchical system that runs so deep here in Korea.”

  • October5th

    3 Comments

    It’s been about half an eternity since my last post (OK, really more like a month and a half but it feels like it’s been much longer than that) and there’s quite a bit I want to write about. But before I launch into a bunch of updates on my travels, teaching and everyday life in Korea, I thought I would mark my return to blogging by talking about a recently-celebrated milestone: As of last week, I have been living in Seoul for exactly seven months.

    Six months probably would have been a more appropriate time to do a reflective blog post since that is the halfway mark for my teaching contract. But I completely blew past that one so I decided to go with the seven month milestone instead.

    I’m sure everyone says this about their first year in a new place but I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. Summer absolutely flew by and now we’re into October. I have probably eight or nine weeks left before I need to have at least a semi-solid idea about what I’m going to do when my contract ends. Right now, I couldn’t even begin to say. (I have some ideas but I haven’t entirely sorted through them yet. That will be a post for another day.)

    It’s been so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine of going to school, teaching, coming home and trying to be productive and/or working on self-therapy that sometimes I forget to stop and think about what I’ve done since coming to Korea, how I’ve changed and what I’ve learned.

    During my first few months in Seoul, I was pretty much in love with this city. I was having a great time, seeing new things, sometimes freaking out with excitement when I stopped to remind myself, “Oh my god, I’m really living in another country. I am actually living out a lifelong dream.” There were occasional things I had complaints about but overall, I really loved living in Korea.

    It’s not that I don’t still love it here. I do. Seoul is a fun city and there are a lot of things I’d still like to see and do here. However. I went through a rough period toward the end of the summer that made me question my desire to live here longer than a year and that really dragged me down for a few weeks (and those weeks turned into a month and a half, which is why I was posting even less than usual).

    A lot of that had to do with things going on at school (which I will detail in a later post). Several showdowns with a new supervisor brought everything I don’t like about Korea into focus – the indirectness in the workplace, the inefficiency that seemed to plague everything we were asked to do at school, and more than anything, the irrationalities and abusiveness that are unfortunately very much a part of the culture here.

    I went from being 99.9 percent certain I would stay another year to feeling completely at a loss in so many areas – all in about a week’s time. I was upset because I didn’t want what was happening at school to completely cloud out all of the things I like about this country. But in many ways, it’s impossible to separate the two.

    Things are better now, which is why I’m still very much undecided about what I want to do come February.

    Confused as I am on that subject, however, there are some developments I am proud of.

    I’m different than I was the day I left for Seoul. I always thought living abroad would be a life-changing experience and it has been in many deep and meaningful ways. I’ve learned that I’m more self-sufficient and capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve had to be. Sometimes I think back on the night I arrived in Seoul: got to my apartment at 1 in the morning, had no idea where anything was or what awaited me the next day but I felt happy and calm. I trusted myself. And that trust has only deepened since I arrived.

    I stand up for myself. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time and through hours and hours of journaling and introspection during the past few months, I understand myself better and feel more confident about being assertive and standing up for my own feelings and needs.

    I stand up for other people. The other day, I had my first experience of confronting a woman who was physically hurting her grandson. Abusing children is the most vile, evil act imaginable and so I’ve always hoped (particularly within the past year or so) that if I saw someone harming a child, I would do something to stop it. There is a blog post coming about this particular incident as well, but when it happened, I didn’t even really think, I simply acted. And I know the clarity and instinct I had in that moment also comes from the self-work and growth I’ve experienced since arriving in Korea.

    I have greater empathy for other people. OK, not always. There are times when I lose my patience with people here or become irritated by things a complete stranger might do. But now that I’ve lived in a place where I don’t speak the language and am often the only Caucasian on the subway or the bus, I’ll remember what that feels like whenever I’m back in the States and see someone struggling to communicate or find their way.

    I’m OK with the fact that I’m still learning. When I think back to my first weeks teaching, I’m torn between whether to laugh or cry. I was completely clueless about teaching children. Of course I had standards for how to treat them – but getting up in front of a bunch of kids who barely speak English and have no idea who you are is quite an experience in itself. There are still days when my lesson plans flop or I feel like I’m at a total loss but I’m OK with that. The kids and I have been developing good relationships and even when I completely miss the mark, they’re willing to tell me that and tell me how to be better.

    Of course there are still areas I struggle with when it comes to teaching and there are many aspects of my character that I am still working on. I know that in many ways, I have a long way to go and will be working on these things for some time to come. But it’s also nice (and reassuring) to pause in the midst of that and say, yeah, I think I’m doing OK. There might be setbacks and bad days but generally speaking, I’m doing good things and learning every day. And however frustrated or homesick or confused I might feel sometimes, I do not for one moment (and don’t think I ever will) regret my decision to move to Korea.

  • May3rd

    5 Comments

    OK, so two things right up front.

    1. I lied about posting more regularly. My intentions were good, really, but I’ve been completely engrossed in the “Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R. R. Martin and pretty much all of my free time has been devoted to devouring those books. And to trying to decide whether or not “Caprica,” the spin-off of “Battlestar Galactica,” is worth obsession status or is just OK. But that’s another story.

    2. This post has absolutely nothing to do with South Korea or teaching. In fact, it’s kind of a rant.

    I was on Facebook for the 80th time today when I got a suggestion to “like” the group “Curvy Girls are Better than Skinny Girls!” The eye rolling began immediately and I should have ignored it but…something possessed me to click the link. I regretted that choice right away.

    I despise these types of groups, mostly because this whole “curvy/heavy/fat pride” thing drives me in-frakking-sane. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important to be healthy and be comfortable with your body. It’s that the “in your face” element rings so incredibly false to me.

    First of all, I am always suspicious of groups and articles and statuses that cheer on people who are overweight. That’s not to say that all curvy women are overweight, and I do happen to think healthy curves are fantastic. But too often, I think, “curvy” is used as a way for women to falsely reassure themselves that “Oh, no, I’m not fat. It doesn’t matter than I’m 20 pounds overweight. I’m just curvy.”

    I read through some of the comments on the different statuses and while there might be a handful of people on there who actually are healthy and confident about how they feel, overall, it seemed like a lot of overzealous false pride to cover up a mountain of insecurities. This group obviously isn’t the only place where this sort of thing goes on. It reminded of an article I read last summer about the hubbub over Glamour magazine’s decision to feature a plus-size model and heavier women in the publication.

    They got a lot of positive feedback from women who said they were thrilled to finally see someone who “looked like them” in a mainstream magazine. This immediately set off alarm bells for me.

    On the surface, I guess the case could be made that this is a positive thing, promoting a more natural look, instead of an emaciated, airbrushed size zero. That’s not really what concerned me, though.

    My first thought upon hearing the positive feedback was, “That’s where your drawing your comfort and inspiration from? That a woman who is the same size as you was featured in a one-off photo spread in Glamour magazine?” There is just so much wrong with that.

    If you’re looking to fashion magazines to affirm your self-worth in the first place, you’re already in trouble. And so what if another woman is the same size as you? That doesn’t really mean anything when you get down to it.The fact that you have a similar frame and weight to someone else is completely irrelevant to whether or not you’re happy with your body or are healthy.

    I guess it sounds good in the moment, but I’ve tried that little trick and it actually has the complete opposite effect for me. I’ll be feeling insecure, look around until I spot another girl with a similar shape and say, “See? She looks good. That means I do, too. I’m totally fine.” But does that erase those feelings of self-consciousness and shame that I’ve been trying to keep at bay? No, of course not. And later on, I’ll find myself self-attacking for making excuses instead of doing something about my weight. I doubt that I’m the only woman who’s gone through this.

    Maybe Glamour was well-intentioned (and let’s be serious, targeting curvier and plus-size women, who generally seem to be left out of the mainstream fashion world’s consciousness, was also probably a smart business ploy), but I think it’s dangerous to draw on that as your source of inspiration when it comes to feeling good about yourself. Great for starting a conversation about body image, maybe, although the real issues at the heart of eating disorders and bad body image would probably be left out anyway.

    Moving on.

    Another thing that irks me is when people say, “So what if I’m overweight? My man (or whatever guy I’m interested in) should love me anyway. I’m awesome even with the extra pounds.”

    And you know what? You probably are awesome, and I’m certainly not saying that every woman should strive for Nicole Scherzinger abs and a Kim Kardashian butt. Not at all. But it’s been my experience, with my own issues and in conversations with many friends, that there is generally a lot of insecurity attached to body image, and the deeper those issues go, the more they are going to come out in other areas of your life as well. Rather than telling yourself you look and feel fine when you’re actually living an unhealthy lifestyle and managing your anxiety rather than addressing it is not exactly a loving thing to do.

    So when people say, “He should love me anyway,” I’m inclined to think, “Really? He should? Because you don’t love yourself enough to be honest about your feelings and insecurities, so why should someone else?”

    Then there’s the fact that these types of groups seem to pit “curvy girls” against “skinny girls,” thereby villainizing other women for being slimmer, which also smacks of insecurity. I’m always just a little suspicious of those who claim to be soooooooo comfortable with their bodies that they not only have to keep reminding everyone around them of that but also knock others in the process.

    Now, I should say here that I’m not just ranting for the sake of it or because I don’t feel empathy for people who love these articles and join these groups. The reason I feel comfortable talking about this is because I’ve experienced all of it. I honestly don’t remember a time when I wasn’t self-conscious about my body or convinced I was overweight. I’ve tried all kinds of diets, gone through hardcore exercising spurts, only to gain the weight back again.

    Celebrity magazines used to be like crack cocaine to me and I often tried to give myself false comfort and confidence by claiming to admire healthier, curvier looking women. I actually did think a lot of them looked great. But I remember feeling a little bit of shame and anxiety as well, because deep down, I was lying to myself, saying, “Look, she’s not so in shape so if this celebrity who has nothing to do with my life can look like that, I can be a little pudgier, too,” rather than face the truth about my insecurities.

    I told myself all kinds of stories – guys should like me anyway, it doesn’t matter that I’ve gained 10 pounds, who cares if I don’t like to exercise, I’m young and have years and years to start eating healthy…anything to avoid the actual work that comes with dealing with these issues.

    About a month ago, however, I made the decision to make real changes and instead of exercising and eating better because I “wanted to look good,” I’ve started learning about nutrition and also journaling and doing self-work to examine my history and relationship with weight and eating issues. It is partly about feeling better about my appearance, but it’s become a lot deeper than that, about having enough self-respect to take care of myself, physically and mentally. This is not to say I’m some shining example, but I do understand and live with the baggage that comes with all of this. Maybe that’s why I feel so annoyed and defensive about these types of articles and groups.

    Being overweight or having a negative body image can be emotionally devastating. I can’t speak for other people, but for me, it infected so many areas of my life. It’s painful and can bring on feelings of shame, depression, anger, bitterness – a lot of unpleasant emotions. None of those are easy to face. So yeah, in the short-term, it is easier to say, “Well, who cares. So what if I’m a little bit overweight? I’m great. People should love me anyway. I’m happy with the way I am. I’ll eat however I want. It doesn’t matter. I just don’t like exercising.” And on and on.

    But in the end, all the plus-size photo shoots and mythology and Facebook groups in the world don’t actually make a difference. In fact, they’re just more harmful tools that help people avoid really looking at their feelings and being honest and making changes in their lives. If you feel the need to shout your pride about being bigger at anyone who will listen, it’s probably time to start having a serious talk with the voices in your own consciousness.

    Real confidence and self-love don’t come from comparing yourself to someone in Glamour or solidarity with others who have similar burdens. It comes after painstaking, time-consuming work and honesty, not simply because you tell yourself you’re lovable and sexy at any size.